


Blast

by millygal



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 21:46:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10671414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Sam's got a choice to make...where would you go?





	Blast

It's not often you can truthfully write 'Got a bloke blown up' on your CV. It's just one more thing to add to the long list of fuck ups and misdemeanours he's managed to pull off since landing in 1973.

Despite his protests of innocence, Sam still feels responsible. He keeps seeing flames erupting from the car, Ray getting caught in the blast and landing with a sickening thud against the street.

He closes his eyes to block out the accusatory stares and ends up replaying the mornings events over and over until he has to look everyone of his team in the face. It's preferable to seeing his colleague bleeding and broken.

How do you justify blowing someone up, even someone as explodable as Ray Carling? The amount of times he's imagined sticking a comedy hand grenade down the man's trousers is unreal but he'd never of...not on purpose. All because of some macho pissing contest neither one of them was willing to back down from.

If anything, Ray's the better man because he knows no different. This is his time and place, he's been dragged up with these rules and that's how he was taught to police. Sam's been living by a different set of rules, he should be the bigger man.

He should be teaching and guiding, not griping and back biting.

It's not like these men have anything to compare their methods to. They aren't making a conscious choice to be arseholes, that's just the way it's always been.

As far as his team, his team-what a joke, but as far as they're concerned, he's dirt on the tracks. They've spent the last few hours alternating between telling each other, loudly, what a useless prick DI Tyler is and sneering silently. 

He's used to the derogatory comments about his sexual persuasions, that's a daily occurrence but they've never been so blatantly hostile toward him before. He doesn't blame them, they're just saying out loud what he's thinking about himself.

Even Annie, one of the few constants in this crazy messed up universe, has turned her back on him. She's made sure he knows exactly how she feels. Not by shouting or screaming, not even with hateful looks. It's the utter disappointment that really cuts at Sam. It's her unique way of making him feel like the lowest of the low for sullying himself in her eyes.

He hadn't realised how much he needed her calming influence until she'd taken it away and now he's in danger of flying apart at the seams because he's got no one he can turn to. 

He'd be able to take the sneers and snide remarks if his own mind didn't keep yelling at him for being such an idiot, for turning himself into one of the bad guys.

Factually, chronologically, he may have been right, he sure as hell doesn't feel it though.

A voice, sounding an awful lot like Gene, keeps telling him how useless he is, what a waste of space he's become, how he's no better than the scum they lock up. It's like he's got a mini DCI Hunt sat on his shoulder, jabbing in the neck, uttering insults and home truths that make him want to cover his ears and scream loud enough to block him out.

It's bad enough having the real one spouting rubbish about cogs and getting in synch. Thing is, it's not rubbish, it's no where near rubbish. He hasn't been making the effort, not since his Da...not since Vic.

When he'd pulled a gun on his Guv, he'd abandoned all hope of fitting in here and then he'd ended up stuck, no way home. It's as if he still doesn't quite no where to stand or what to do with himself. There are moments, real moments of clarity where this is the place for him and he's enjoying himself enough to forget what a crack pot he is. Then it all comes crashing back and he can't breath, his heart isn't beating and he just wants to go home.

Gene Hunt, now there's an enigma wrapped up in a mystery.

The man goes against everything Sam's ever stood for. He encompasses all that's wrong with policing, wrong with the world, in fact but Sam still finds himself scrabbling for his approval.

Over time Sam's been able to sort through the sadistic, protagonist tendencies and he's found himself admiring the man. Despite not wanting to like him, he does. Not only does Gene get results but he enjoys the work he does, is really bloody good at it and isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes is right.

A lot of the time he's a twenty four carrot arsehole but Sam still wants to grow up to be just like him.

It's maddeningly confusing.

He and Gene've been working better together, for while a Sam's been thinking there might be more to the blossoming friendship. Some times he catches him staring for no reason, the look in his eyes makes Sam's skin tingle but now...

His name's mud, that he understands. He's disappointed one friend, pissed off another and neither of them want anything to do with him. He's running low on allies and he's not sure how long he can take the hurtful looks. 

The team's one thing, Annie and Gene are another.

The **only** reason he's not handing in his badge and joining the job queue is Gene's refused to let him wimp out of facing Ray, of sorting out this mess he's created.

Sam stands, scrubs his face with his hands and walks towards Gene's office. It's about time he at least apologised for turning Ray into road kill. So stuck on his own morals and knowledge, he'd not wanted to say sorry before, now he feels so guilty he's gotta say something or he'll end up doing more harm than good.

Not bothering to knock, he pushes the door open and sees Gene sat with his feet up on his desk, whiskey sitting untouched on the table.

"Guv, can I have a word?"

Gene doesn't even look up, just motions him in and carries on reading the file in his lap. "Whatever it is Tyler, make it quick, had just 'bout enough of you today"

Sam's stung by the out and out nastiness of Gene's words but clamps down on the urge to flee. "I..just thought I should...wanted to say sorry, about Ray and, well everything really, I mean..."

Gene finally turns toward Sam and the sneer he throws at him makes him take a step back. "You've gotta be kiddin' me! You seriously think comin' in 'ere an' sayin' 'I'm sorry' is good enough? One of my men is lyin' in a hospital bed, burnt, skin peelin', black an' blue an' you reckon an apology'll cut it!?"

Refusing to wilt under his gaze, Sam closes his eyes, sighs and grits his teeth. "I didn't...s'not like I planted the bloody bomb, Gene"

Gene's next words rip right through Sam's soul, "You may as well 'ave done"

Sam bows his head, fights against the tears threatening and turns to leave.

Gene watches him go, knowing exactly how cruel he's just been but not caring. Stamping out the tiny flare of guilt, Gene reaches for his whiskey and downs it in one. Sam's managed to fuck it up royally this time and he's sick of cleaning up his mess.

Ray's one of Gene's oldest friends, Sam doesn't get to almost kill him without suffering for it. 

Despite the white noise anger still raging round his system, Gene still finds himself wanting to comfort the little shit. What kind of crazy is that?

He and Sam, they've been..well, it's not what you'd call a conventional friendship. He's never been so brutal with any of his other officers and he knows, deep down, that's because something in Sam calls out to him and it's incredibly hard to ignore. Even if it makes him madder than hell.

Sam cops it worse than the others because Gene wants to do more than just discipline him. It's not natural but it's not something he can get away from. He'd even considered acting on it, had been all ready to bite the bullet but now...

Sam's gone too far this time and he can't be around him at the moment, even if his body's crying out for something he thinks only Sam can provide.

Going back to his stuffy reports, Gene tries to ignore the little niggling feeling that tells him he's pushing Sam too far.

*****

Sam's outside the station, leant up against the wall, smoking his first cigarette in five years. Damn him, damn him all to hell. How does he manage to get under Sam's skin so well. Anyone else, anyone else he'd be able to brush it off but this is Gene and he's...Sam's not entirely sure what he is but it's driving him mad.

The guilt over Ray mixed with the unexplainable sense of loss makes Sam want to run as far and as fast as he can.

Sam sees Annie walking towards him and tries to shrink back into the wall as far as he can, hoping she won't notice him. He can't...not now, not when he's trying to understand why Gene's hurtful dismissal is making his heart ache.

He's about to leg it back indoors before she sees him but it's too late and she changes direction. Hunching his shoulders, lowering his eyes, he looks anywhere but at her. The new look of disgust marring her usually happy face is something Sam really doesn't wanna see.

She's stood five feet away, hands on her hips, staring dispassionately at Sam, "Productive. Ray's in bits and you've taken up smoking. You'll be sinking shots next"

Sam doesn't look up, fixes his eyes on her shoes and shrugs, "What else should I do? S'not like any of you want me hanging around. You wouldn't even let me put in for his collection"

She shakes her head, lowers her voice and enunciates every word, "Like I said, it was just for his _friends._ Some things you just can't fix with a fiver in a tin. Have you even gone to see him?"

"I can't..."

"No, of course you haven't. Look Sam, we have to watch out for each other here, if we don't have that, we don't have anything"

"Please, I can't take this from you aswell..."

"What, don't like hearing the truth for once? I spend so much time feeling sorry for you, right now I can't even bear to look at you. You had to push, couldn't just let it slide. You're 'sposed to be different but you're just like the rest of them"

Annie spins, walks away and doesn't catch the single tear rolling down Sam's cheek.

*****

Another call comes in, Gene yells and shouts and what's left of the squad go barrelling out the door. Sam lags behind, not sure whether it's such a good idea to go along, not when the last bomb he responded to got Ray hospitalised.

"Tyler! Get your bloody arse in gear, don't wanna get some other poor sod blown up, do you?"

Sam slumps but shuffles towards the Guv's irate voice. He's beginning to wish it'd been him walking towards that car.

*****

The Three Ships is surrounded by police cars and men in uniform running around trying to calm panicking civilians. Gene's staring at Sam, weary of letting him anywhere near anything remotely dangerous. The man's not had the greatest track record of late but Gene's still too pissed off with him to really put much effort into arguing.

"Done this before?"

Sam nods but doesn't look at Gene, "Once. at Hyde"

"And?"

Sam shrugs, "Well, I'm still here, aren't I?"

Without waiting for Gene to reply, he turns and walks away.

Gene feels the need to say something, this isn't a good idea, something's telling him that he shouldn't be letting Sam do this, "Dead moron's no use to anyone!"

Sam doesn't answer, doesn't turn, simply continues on towards the booby trapped car.

Gene stands behind his car and watches as Sam looks underneath the bombed one, lies flat and scoots backwards, disappearing beneath it.

Sam can see the clock on the bomb, the bomb which is crudely glued together with bits of wire and plastic. From his upside down view, Sam can see the time's at 4.40 and his breathing picks up, causing his chest to tighten.

Sam closes his eyes, sees Ray flying through the air and has to open them again, "Come on, think!"

There are a couple of wires hanging, hovering above his head, a red and a yellow one.

"Okay..." He raises the pliers to the red wire, hesitates then lowers them. Squeezing his eyes shut, he sees Annie's disappointed face swimming into view and lifts the pliers again.

"Come on, you know this!" 

Sam's about to cut the red wire when he hears Gene's muffled voice hollering at him, "No rush, Tyler. Got 'bout...twenty two seconds 'for we're all blown sky-high"

Sam, still breathing heavily and fighting against the nausea sweeping through his system, switches the pliers to the yellow wire. Closing his eyes, he sees Gene's scornful glare and presses the blades together.

Gene's pushed backwards by the blast. His shoulders slam into the pavement and he feels a wall of heat shimmering across his face. Once the deafening boom's faded, he leaps to his feet and runs towards what used to be a car. 

Two uniforms step in front of him, grab him by the arms and haul him backwards, "No sir, it's not safe!"

"Let me go, fuckin' let me go, Sam.. **Sam!** "

He struggles, bucks and kicks but they aren't letting him go and he can't see Sam, where's Sam!?

"Tyler!.. **Sammy!** "

*****

Annie's hovering in the doorway to Sam's room, afraid to step inside for fear that Gene'll start taking out his anger on her. She can see him, pacing and kicking things, anything that comes within reach, he's lashing out.

She looks away from Gene to Sam who's covered in bandages and surrounded by a plastic sheet to stop anything adhering to his seared skin. Oh god, he looks...he looks dead. Only the beepbeep of the heart monitor tells her that he is actually still breathing.

All the horrific things she'd said to him come swarming into her head. She can hear herself being unnecessarily cruel and she hates herself for it. What if, what if she never gets to take them back? What happens if he dies and she never gets to tell him how sorry she is for being a bitch?  


She hadn't meant it, none of it and now Sam's lying in a hospital bed, looking like death itself and she can't do anything to help.

Gene continues to pace a path into the tiles and waits for Sam to wake up. He has to, he can't...there's no way he's gonna kick it without Gene telling him how much, that he didn't..shit! All the things he'd said come crashing back into his brain and he feels his stomach tighten and flip.

Fighting his gag reflex, Gene stills, turns to Sam and whispers 'I'm sorry' before resuming his previous caged animal impression.

*****

Sam's surrounded by darkness, the only light's coming from two doors either side of him. He can see shadows shifting beneath them and begins to shiver. Which one, which one?

He sinks to the ground, curls in on himself and begins to rock.

"Oh, Sam's gone and got himself all blown up"

Sam jumps, feels his heart stammer and looks up to see the test card girl smiling down at him, clutching her tatty clown.

"Don't you wanna know which one to go through?"

Clamping down on the fear coursing along his veins, Sam grits his teeth and nods.

"Well, here's the thing Sam, you could pick one of those..." She gestures towards the doors and Sam twists his neck, sees them bulging outwards, as if they might explode, then looks back to the blonde child smiling down on him with a malevolent glint in her eye "...or, you could stay here"

"Sta...stay?"

"Here, right here. After all, you only manage to get people killed when you're there"

"Where"

"Anywhere"

Sam ducks his head, hides beneath his arms and wishes himself away from the demon child who likes to take walks in his subconscious.

"You know it's true. Ray's in little bitty bits in a hospital and you got Maya killed to death by that nasty old serial killer"

"No!, Maya's..we saved her, got the killer..and Ray he's, he'll be fine"

She bends down, whispers in his ear, "Really? That what you've been telling yourself is it? Maya's not safe, she'll never be safe. She knows you Sam, that's enough and Ray..well. What can I say, if you didn't want him on the team all you had to do was ask him to leave, you didn't have to get him blown up"

Sam shakes his head roughly and rocks back and forward on the spot. He didn't..he never...He didn't try and kill Ray. It's not his fault, not his fault...but...what if he just, what if he just stays right here. No one else gets hurt and he can sleep, finally sleep.

The little girl with the little curl starts skipping round him and singing, "Sammy's a killer, Sammy's a killer" and Sam covers his ears to try and block her out.

He's still got his hands over his ears when he hears Gene bellowing all round him. It's like he's being completely swept up in his powerful voice...

*****

Gene's got the doctor pinned to the wall and Annie's having to hang off his arm to stop him punching the poor bloke.

"What d'ya mean he's in a friggin' coma!"

The doctor looks away from Gene and swallows loudly, "He's in a state of 'sleep'. He might wake up today, tomorrow or he might not wake up at all"

Gene growls and shoves the man even further into the brickwork, "He'll wake up, you got that, he'll fuckin' wake up!"

Annie swings from Gene's forearm and shouts as loud as she can, "LET HIM GO"

Gene's shocked enough to drop the doc and step back. Annie stands straight, fixes her clothes and looks to the doctor, "You might want to go"

He shuffles nervously then makes good his escape, all the while checking over his shoulder to see if the man with the bad temper is following.

Once she's sure he's out of sight, Annie turns to Gene and lays a hand on his shoulder, "I know, Guv I know but you can't..."

"But he's...he has to wake up, he can't. Shit Cartwright, how am I s'posed to.."

Annie sees the look on Gene's face and understands exactly how he feels, **exactly**. It'd be obvious to anyone that Gene's attached to Sam but Annie can see just how much and it makes her heart ache for him...and for herself.

She knows how close they are, it'd be pointless harbouring those kinds of feelings for Sam because Gene would always win out, yet she can't stop herself.

"I know Guv but, shouting and hollering isn't helping him, is it?"

Gene finally looks at her and sighs, shakes his head and moves back to the bed. He can't even touch him, not with that stupid piece of shit covering him. The peeling and flaking flesh makes Gene's stomach coil in on itself and he has to bite down on his lip to stop from throwing up.

Annie feels like a voyeur as she watches Gene reach out and stroke Sam's plastic prison. 

He runs his hand across it and leans in as close as he can, "Wake up Gladys, just, come back. I'm..I didn't, please, come home"

*****

"Wake up Gladys, just, come back. I'm..I didn't, please, come home"

She tilts her head, listens intently to Gene then pokes her tongue out and continues her ragged dance round Sam. 

He shudders, desperately hangs on to Gene's voice as it fades and tries not to feel too dizzy.

"Is that it Sam, you want to go home?"

He doesn't even bother nodding his head, just raises his eyebrows.

"Thing is, which one? I mean Sam, you could go here.." she points towards the door at his left and smiles "..and you'd end up in 2007...or you could go there..." she waggles the clown in the general direction of the door on the right and smirks "...and you'd be back in nasty old 1973. The choice, as they say, is yours"

Sam looks from left to right and back again so many times that his neck cracks and his eyes burn. Which one, which one...where is home? Is home a place that's clean and quiet and full of praise or is it a time that shouldn't exist with a man that doesn't understand his worth?

The questions keep flipping over and over in his mind. He sees Gene, he sees Maya, he sees his team, he sees his mum. Where does a man with no where to go, want to spend the rest of his nothingness?

*****

Annie's leaving, she can't stand sitting and watching Gene pace back and forth, back and forth. It's driving her insane and she can't shift the images of Sam and Ray both laid out on mortuary slabs. It's highly disturbing. Sam's alive, not necessarily kicking but he's breathing and Ray, well, he's down the corridor sleeping the sleep of the extremely crispy.

She wonders if Ray'll feel sorry for Sam or think it serves him right. She hopes the former, even if he is a Neanderthal, he's a good man. No one deserves what Sam's been dealt.

She's about to walk out the door when she sees a familiar pair of shoes wandering along the corridor and she turns to Gene, grabbing his arm and pointing.

Gene turns, sees Ray come sauntering into the room and his jaw drops, "Thought you was at death's fuckin' door!"

Ray pulls back at Gene's tone and looks to the man lying still on the bed. He looks bloody awful and Ray, despite still being able to feel the heat from the explosion, is disgusted that one of his own's been hurt so badly.

"I..I...what 'appened?"

"Stupid git went an' got his'self blown up...ya know, for a pair of plonkers that supposedly hate each other, ya don't half have a lot in common"

Looking at Ray, up and about and being his usual dainty self, Gene realises what a fucking idiot he was for treating Sam the way he did and can't help the tiny gnawing flash of self loathing from taking up residence in his gut.

Annie lifts herself up on her toes, hugs Ray then turns to Gene, "I'm..I've got to, I can't stay here. It's too, I'll see you later. Bring you something to eat"

Ray stumbles back, shocked, but wraps his arms round her briefly before letting her turn away. Watching their exchange, Ray can see both Gene and Annie need some time away from this place but Gene's not willing to leave.

Gene watches the many emotions fighting for dominance on Annie's face and feels himself wanting to reach out but can't do it. He knows just how she's feeling but he's too wrapped up in his own grief and guilt to offer her what little strength he has left.

*****

Sam's spinning round and round and round, doors of all shapes and sizes keep jumping out at him then shimmering away into nothingness and the girl with the clown under her arm is still singing off key.

"Click your heels Sam, click them hard, wish yourself away. You can't decide can you..It's not that hard, left or right, right or left. Come on Sam, choose!"

Sam screams as loud as he can and covers his eyes. The world goes black and he doesn't know which way is up but she's still right next to his ear, hissing against his skin, "Please Sammy, come homeeee. He's pathetic isn't he? You really want to go back to that?"

Sam lashes out but she's too fast and he ends up falling sideways. She's back, always back, never gonna get away.

"Although, what's the appeal of a place where your girlfriend tries to catch a murderer on her own just to get your attention? Were you that cold, that hard, she had to get herself kidnapped for you to take any notice?"

"Please, please stop..I can't...this isn't...SHUT UP!"

"You can make me shut up, Sam. Pick a door or stay here with me. I'd love the company, it gets so lonely down here by myself. Clowny doesn't like to chat, you could chat, couldn't you?"

Sam drags himself to his hands and knees, turns his head left and right then stumbles towards the door he wants.

*****

Pain, searing pain. He calls out, at least he tries to but the tube shoved roughly down his throat is making him gag and he can't hear himself because his ears are still ringing.

He's hot and cold all at once and he doesn't know where he is. Is it 1973 or 2007..has he gone home or has he gone 'home'?

He opens his eyes, light burns away the nothingness and he sees something he never thought he'd be happy to see again.

"I'm hurt Sam...you didn't wanna stay with me. Don't worry, I'll still visit"

Gene sees Sam's eyelashes flicker and breaths properly for the first time in days. In amongst all the charred flesh, there's a look on Sam's face, it's haunting, frightening and he finds himself wondering where Sam's been. 

He hears Sam call his name and finds he doesn't much care. 

He's home, that's enough.


End file.
